Stanley Rost Keller

Dear Daddy,

It’s been exactly a year without you.

My swollen heart hurts just as badly today as it did a year ago. I almost wish you were writing this letter to me…instead of the other way around. I sometimes think it would have been easier if it had been me to die instead of you. That’s selfish of me, though. I know the depth of your fatherly love was just as deep as my love as your daughter. Your little girl.

I would have taken your place, Daddy. You already know that though. I remember telling you that through the over sized lump in my throat. I also know that if I was originally in your place…you would have wanted to take my place for me, too. I remember when you said that to me. It was almost like we were trying to make it a competition- by giving each other examples of how much we loved each other, and the distance we would go to show that love. It wasn’t literally a competition, though. It was just a genuine act of our father/daughter love. You already know that, though. You knew it better than I did.

I thought the pain deep in my soul from losing you was going to kill me. I sometimes still wish it had. The only reason why I’m still breathing today is because of you. You told me to never give up. I wanted to several times, and I still have current moments where I think I want to. I hear your voice every time that dark wish reenters my heart.

I’m sorry that I let my grief get the best of me.

It’s not who I am. You and Mom raised me to be stronger than that, but it just hurts so badly, Daddy. It’s still not fair. I was only fifteen years old when I lost you. I still need you here with me. There are so many things that I won’t have the opportunity to share with you. Yes, I know that there were a lot of numerous things that I did get to share with you, and I thank God for every second of those bittersweet nostalgic moments.

Do you remember when I was a little girl? When I had long curly brown hair down to my bottom, and freckles outlining the underneath of my amber colored hazel eyes? Do you remember the space in between my two front teeth when I would smile at you when you made me laugh? Do you remember those epic Saturday mornings when it’d be just me and you- while Mom was at work? How we would watch cartoons while eating cereal? How I would be in my princess nightgown, and you in your flannel pajama bottoms? Do you remember when you’d take me to the park during the evenings right before the sunset? Do you remember when you would drive me to school every morning, and you would walk me into my classroom? I remember.

Also, Daddy, do you remember when you would drag me to several flea markets and garage sales in just one singular day? How I would be interested in collecting all of the Beanie Babies that I could find, and you were on a mission to look for those antique wooden fishing lures with glass eyes? Or how I would try to show you that I also cared, and almost puncturing my little fingers on the rusty hooks? Do you remember how I would lay in your lap pretending to be asleep before bath time…so Mom wouldn’t call me into the bathroom to take a bath that night? Do you remember me shuffling into the living room, seeing you in your usual spot on the couch, watching the David Letterman show, and me kissing you on the cheek to tell you goodnight? Do you remember when we’d tell each other, “I love you more than that.”?  I remember all those memories, Daddy.

Thank you for everything, Dad. Thank you for loving me with all of your heart and soul. Thank you for being my best friend. All I’ve ever wanted in life was happiness, and you provided that to me. Thank you for being the first man that I’ve ever loved. I know I told you once that, no matter how in love I felt towards another man…I’d never love him to the depth I loved you. I still feel that way, and I always will. You showed me what to look for in a man, and to me- it’s a model of you, Daddy. Sure, you had your faults, but every human in this world does, and so will my husband. I wish you could see my future children. I can promise you that they will know everything that there is to know about you. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be my Dad, and that was obviously you.

Hey Dad, do you remember when I turned 13? I’m sorry that I put you through half of my teenage years. Do you remember when I started wearing makeup, and you told me that I didn’t need any of it? Do you remember when I started looking more like a young woman, and you would call me the most beautiful girl in the world? Do you remember how you would tell everyone that I was going to be a famous actress one day, and you would brag about what an “amazing talent” that I had? Do you remember when you would watch me from your maroon pickup truck during my soccer practices? How you would honk your horn every time I scored a goal? Do you remember when you came to one of my school plays, and you saw me kiss a boy there for the first time? Yeah, I’m sorry you had to see that. More importantly, do you remember the look on my face when I saw you in the midst of the chaotic crowd after that performance?  I remember that, Daddy.

Dad, do you remember the hug I gave you after my baptism? Do you remember taking off your cross necklace, (that you never removed) and giving it to me to wear around my neck when I was washed in the blood of Jesus? Do you remember walking on the Keller farm together during the Summer of 2014- the last time you got to go home? Do you remember when you and Mom took me to Ponyboy’s house in Tulsa, and you popped the fence cap off for me as a souvenir? Do you remember when you took me to Comic Con to meet Ralph Macchio, and some other actors from The Walking Dead? Do you remember taking off your brown leather coat, and giving it to me because I thought it was cool?  I remember that, Dad.

Daddy…do you remember after the doctors told you that, you were going to die, and you decided to break the tension in the room? Like when you drew an anchor with a Sharpie on your bicep, and you laughed like Popeye? Do you remember all those late night talks we had? How you would tell me not to be afraid? Do you remember how hard you would make me laugh? Do you remember that one time we both cried together…because we both knew that time was running out? I do.

Do you remember when I cried into your side the night Mom died?  I remember that vividly, Dad.

I hope you don’t remember much of February 4th, 2015. I do hope you remember when I held your hand when you left the earth. I never let go, Daddy. Do you remember when you looked into my eyes, and I smiled through the welting tears? Do you remember when I read the Bible verse, “Psalm 130:5” to you? Do you remember what it said? It says, “I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope.” Do you remember me telling you goodbye? Do you remember me pouring out my heart to you without a response? Do you remember when I wiped the single tear from your soft cheek? I remember.

Do you remember how I told you not to be afraid?

How I told you not to look back at me…if you saw Jesus face to face? Do you remember seeing me from the sky as you looked down to the earth one last time before the Father called you into His Kingdom? Do you remember hearing my bellow of excruciating pain? I do remember that, Daddy.

I remember putting your cross necklace (that you never removed) around my neck. I remember not letting go of your hand until the people pulled me off of you. I remember clutching onto your baseball caps for dear life; when I felt like that was the only physical part of you that I had left.

Thank you for waiting for me- so I could tell you how much I truly loved you for the last time.

I remember that evening when I looked up at the sky, and I felt you and Mom standing there with me. Do you remember, Daddy?  I do.

So Dad, can you see me now? From Heaven? With Mom? Can you see me breathing? Did you see me overcome my grief and depression; that you were afraid of me enduring? Can you see me still struggling daily with that same grief and depression? Do you see me sharing our story? I hope so. I hope you see how much you are not forgotten even though you’re not here. I hope you see me cry for you, and I hope you see me smile at the thought of you. I hope you see me every day walking around this earth as a still living part of you, and the pride I have from being your daughter.

I still look for those antique wooden fishing lures with glass eyes. I still go to the flea markets, but I go by myself mostly. It’s not the same without you, but I feel you walking around with me while I’m there. I’m still breathing…because you told me to be strong. I’m trying to get through all of this. Thank you for all of the strength that you built up within me to prepare for this trail in life. From the moment you first held me, and to the moment you took your last breath…I will never forget every second that I ever spent with you. I just want to make you proud, Daddy. I can’t wait to be in your arms again.

I love you more than air, and I love you more than that. Forever.

– Claire Keller